Playing the "What If" game.....

So here I sit, thinking about my Dad.. wondering WHAT life would be like IF he were still alive. Would I be different? Would I have struggled so much with my weight? Would I have finished University? Would I be married with kids?

My weight problems began shortly after my Dad passed away. I was always the kid that wanted candy and sweets when I was growing up, but once my Dad passed it was where I found my comfort. Kids were cruel, but food wasn't. It was always there to make me feel better.. it was my friend. It didn't disappoint, it didn't judge.. it just provided the warmth...

Today I'm feeling it, I'm not crying, but I would love to buy a big bag of Mini Eggs *mmm chocolate* and sit at home eating.. but I won't. I went for a sensible lunch (pita pit!) and have just made a yummy chicken stir fry for my dinner at work tonight..

I don't know what's making the difference right now, or how I have the motivation to push past my cravings, but I'm doing it...

I'd like to think that if my Dad were still alive he'd be proud of me. I think he'd look at what I've accomplished, where I've been, who I've become and smile.. knowing that I grew up right...

Now if only I could look at myself the same way...

One step at a time.. this journey continues...

xoxo

Quick Check In...

Okay folks.. here is a quick post by this girl...

Tomorrow is the 20th anniversary of my Dad's death. It's a horrible day for me, and I usually end up being utterly depressed and eating everything in sight...

I've been back on track with Weight Watchers all week and have lost 5.1 lbs so far this week.... so I'm praying that will help me push through the pain and sadness tomorrow and stay on track...

I see that I'm 16 pounds away from where I was at my lightest... I was so happy then. I felt like I could conquer anything. That I was on top of the world. I was sexy, I was happy, I was strong, I was an animal! Now I feel fluffy, fat, powerless, sad... so I think we can all see where this is going... I need to lose this weight again, tone up, make myself the powerful happy woman I was... I think that ultimately it impacts my whole life.. work, love, friends, etc.... I wanna fall in love, so I need to be the person someone can fall in love with..

Anyway.. I promised this would be quick.. so here it is... tomorrow will be a hard day, but I'm going to do EVERYTHING IN MY CONTROL TO KEEP CONTROL!

Think good thoughts for me on the 17th.

that's it for me for now...

xoxo

I'm at a point where I need to find happiness in who I am.. I find a lot of my self worth comes from being with a man, or trying to lose weight, so people will tell me how good I look.

Apparently I'm a desireable girl. Guys want to date me. They aren't utterly repulsed by my face, or body (shocker!), or hair, or overall appearance... So why is it that I'm stressing so hard over the fact that I'm not 150 pounds? Why can't I see myself as a gorgeous woman? Why can't I feel sexy?

Why do I want to lose weight? Is it because I want to be healthy? (at one point that may have been true. But what benefit does being healthy bring me right now? Sure I'll live longer... but who will I spend that time with? (can you tell I'm really lonely?)...) Is it because society tells me I need to be thin? (Not really, since 2 out of 3 Americans are "Obese".... I know I'm Canadian, but our society isn't that different...) Is it because I want to be smokin' hot? (Hell Yeah!)..

So now that I know this is merely a vanity thing... I have to then really think about this... If I want to change my hair colour, do I wait years to do it? No, I do it ASAP....
If I want to buy that new "it" clothing item, do I buy anything else, telling myself that will be my "next" purchase? No...again.. I get it (as long as it's not waaaayyy outta my price range!)..

So why is it that I'm putting this off?

Not only that... I'm working out like mad.. only to eat like a crazy son of a gun... That's just ridiculous! How about not exercising.... and just not eating the crazy food.. then I can have way more sleep and my legs won't hurt so much.. I also won't feel like everything I'm doing is for nothing! Like I'm running on a treadmill, and just not getting anywhere!

So ... how am I going to go about this?
That, ladies and gentlemen, is a very, very good question!

I'll check in again soon.
xoxo

Hmmmfff.. From Success to Disasters..

So it's T?DOTROML...
It's only been a week, but I seem to have lost count already... hmm... I think I've got sometimers (lame joke, this I know...)..

So last week seemed to be a bit of a success, I don't know what exactly I did, but I do know I lost 3.2 pounds... hmmmmm..... Yay me? I thought for sure I would have gained... so I stood there, holding my breath, not wanting to hear the skinny b*%$h say "What do you think you did wrong?" (btw, I hate it when they ask me this... what did I do wrong? I ate my bloody face off.... I'm not dummy I know how to gain weight, it's how to lose it that I'm clueless at!)... so I know I didn't over indulge last week, but I only made it to the gym for hard workouts 2 times, and I only went for 1 run, and I didn't do weights at all, but something worked.... who knows....

This weekend was also a success... a successful "drink all the wine you have in the house" weekend. I polished off 2 bottles at least on Saturday night, during my rustic Italian Dinner party I hosted, and 3 of my WW friends attended (2 being WW leaders...)... we ate loads, drank loads, and laughed loads.. that's a very successful dinner party, if I do say so myself!

So yesterday I woke up with a wicked hangover... I'm not the typical hangover girl, who pukes and is good to go... no instead I get a wicked headache and feel the need to sleep all day... only... I had plans... I had invited 4 friends to go for sushi lunch... which I attended, and enjoyed, and then went right home to lie on the couch and sleep! I then woke up around 4:30pm.... to watch Harry Potter, hit starbucks, continue to watch Harry Potter, eat the rest of the TIramisu from Saturday's Dinenr party, and then finish watching Harry Potter.... (I had to watch the 6th one again before I saw the newest one last night in the Theatre...).. then I headed out to pick up a girlfriend and a guyfriend to see Harry Potte and the Deathly Hallows (Oh so good!).... So I got home from Harry, realized my headache was finally gone.. had a massive glass of wine (apparently I just don't learn....) and ate the rest of the asiago cheese and artichoke dip with the remainder bread sticks.. what a waste of a day.. food wise it was yummy yummy yummy... but food wise it was also bad bad bad! I can't imagine just how many calories, grams of fat, needless preservatives I put into my system.... But do I regret it? Not so much.... wil I regret it on Saturday at the scale? You bet your sweet ass I will!

So here I start again.. I know I can't let my weekends rule my week, and my weight, so I need to figure out what I'm going to do exactly. I think both December 4, and December 11 will be good weekends weight wise, seeing as I'm schedueled to run a 5 km run both weekends, and after one of those I never wanna cheat.. but we're also coming into the Christmas season.. and this girl LOVES to celebrate!

I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to have my annual Christmas party, but I don't know if I want to spend the money, time, and energy hosting one this year.... Since I live alone, don't have kids, and have no family that visits me.. I don't know if then I should even bother decorating the inside of my house... only I will see it... oh.... now that makes me sad.. maybe I'll have a Christmas tea on a sunday afternoon or something.. who knows....

Okay well I guess I should sign off for now..
always and forever.
xoxox

TSDOTROML

I'd love to say that yesterday was an unbelievable success, but I can't lie.. I had a stumble or two. But I did go out for a run, it was only 3 km, but I'm back at it.

It's almost 1pm, and I just finished my breakfast. It's 2 slices of butterball turkey bacon (2 weight watcher points), 1 Omega3 egg, and 2 egg whites (3 points), 11g of cheese (1point)... so for 6 points I'm full! Turkey bacon is really enjoyable, and very easy. I like to cook it all up ahead of time, and freeze it. Then when I make my eggs the next time, the bacon is easy to throw into the pan for 30 seconds, and voila, a meal in 5 minutes!

For all those asking "what do you mean you just had breakfast?". I work for an automobile factory, and I am on afternoon shift, so I didn't go to bed until 5am. Now the problem with this, I got off of work at 2:15am.. I live 15 minutes away from work.. it maybe takes me 25 minutes to get from my work area to the locker room to get changed, to my car. So that really puts me getting home around 3- 3;15am ish... and yet I stayed up until 5 am? Why? I sat up and watched a little Mike & Molly, and then another drama.... why??????

This morning I wanted to go to a spin class, but was WAY TOO TIRED when I woke up at 11;45am.... so the goal for tonight is to go to bed ASAP after work.. think I can do it? Oh I hope so!

To be honest last night, my pants at work were SO DAMN TIRED! and I ended up coming home feeling very sad and depressed... so even though I think I'm just a little that time of the month bloated (TMI!!!), I still know I feel like I'm a walking beer keg.... so it's a little motivation!

Well I have to go shopping. My list is made.. lunch today is just a smoothie, but I have to make my salad dinner for tonight at work still..

And one more thing.. not only am I trying to get to my goal weight by October 16, 2011 (40 pounds to go!), but I'm also trying to get debt free (besides my car and mortgage....)... so lets see if I can do this eating healthy on a budget... I think with the lack of sushi and drinking, I may actually be saving money! haha

So off I go to the grocery store (PriceChopper!!!) and then to the gym.. and then to work.. I have a couple hours.... so lets see if I can do what I want!

Okay I'm in a much better mood right now..

so lets see how the second day goes!

xoxo

"TFDOTROML" ... I'll Explain....

Well folks... it's TFDOTROML... which means "The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life"...

Now I know I've said this before, but once again, I fell off the wagon. I had a summer of enjoying Beer, Wine, Pizza, and loads and loads of SUSHI!

Now in moderation Sushi isn't bad... but when you go to an all you can eat place at least once a week, with all sorts of friends.... well the pounds get packed on.

I'm back in the 190's.. and I'm miserable. I am at a point where I don't want to date, even though there are a couple of options out there. ... ...

I think I've realized that when I was in the 170's I was SO very happy.... and if I had just maintained, instead of worried about how LONG it was going to take to get into the 150's... I may have just ended up continually losing and finally getting there.. but here I sit... 20 pounds heavier than I was last year, still wearing the same clothes because I REFUSE to go and buy some that are 2 sizes bigger! And.. I'm just miserable.

My first thought in the morning is "what am I going to eat today...." ... WTF? Something is messed up.. my brain has been wired incorrectly....

Even as I write this, I'm not thinking about going for a run.. I'm thinking about going and getting a burger or something... but I cannot continue on this pattern... I don't want to be this sad thinking about how I look... I want to have that self confidence I had last year when I went to Egypt. I felt like a million bucks... I looked like a million bucks...

Now I look like the Puff Stay marshmallow man...

So here's hoping that this really is TFDOTROML.....

I won't be a stranger, I'll keep you posted as to how this goes (because I also know that when I stopped blogging, I stopped caring...)..

I'll tty all soon!

xoxo

Loving the Nike +

My title pretty much sums it up.. I absolutely LOVE my Nike+ (and my Adidas runners!)..

It really is funny, it's the small things that help keep me motivated. So having some random voice telling me "0.5km's completed" does it for me!

I'm pretty stoked when I get home and plug my ipod into my computer and see my graph of how I did.

Can't wait to become a running machine!

I'm hoping that this extra excercise, and eating properly, really pays off this week on the scale.. I'm hoping to lose 4 pounds.. I know it's unrealistic, but if I only lose 2 I'll be happy too!

I have to get my sweaty tooshy into the shower,

ciao for now!

xoxo