Rent-a-friend

You know when you let something bother you, you know you shouldn't, but you can't help it and it does?

I've been re-evaluating myself, and my friendships recently. My best girlfriend and I haven't said more that a couple words to each other since July 1st... and the only reason those words were shared was because we both happened to be at the dog park at the same time.. and it was awkward! .... So that really really sucks....

Another girlfriend of mine was becoming one of my best friends (I have a couple girls that I would say are my best friends...) until an event based around her came and went, and suddenly I was of no use to her anymore.. I was supposed to go to a cottage with her, and I was uninvited due to space issues... in the last week she's texted me once.. It was my holiday week... so it would have been nice if my plans hadn't fallen through.. 2 days before we were supposed to go.....

Another girl and I were supposed to go for drinks and spend a day on a patio, but she "forgot" all about it... and then after we rescheduled, she ended up being too busy...... hmmm

There are a couple more things happening.. misunderstandings, hurt feelings and such...

So everything.. the culmination of everything.. makes me feel like I'm just a lousy friend, or an easy throw away friend.. I would do anything for my friends.. and I mean anything... so why is it that when all is said and done at the end of the week I sit home alone and watch movies with my cat... hoping beyond hope that someone will text me and want to connect with me..

I know that communication works both ways.. but how many times can I text someone first? Why am I always the one that is always the one who has to put it all out there, and do all the work in a relationship..

Grr.. I think I'm just overly lonely and feeling so pathetic.... I think it's time for a bike ride to clear my head...

If anyone wants a friend, you know where to find me.. lol

xoxo

Whose Perception Is True Reality?

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently....

I remember when I weighed 358lbs... I remember looking at girls who weighed somewhere in the 200's and wishing I was them.. thinking how I wanted to be thin like them...

Then I was a girl in her 200's... looking at a girl in the high 100's and still wanted to be thin like them...

Now I'm a girl in the high 100's... and I look at girls in the 170's and I want to be thin like them...

When will I realize I've been every one of those thin sizes, and never been happy?

When I finally hit the 200's I wanted to be in the 100's.. when I hit the 100's .. I wanted to be in the 180's .. then the 170's... and yet I was never happy with the thin person I had begun..

Now I'm back in the 190's... and I feel so fat and ugly..... and yet I need to realize, to someone out there .. I am thin...

I think we have the same perception when it comes to beauty too. I don't think the majority of us really see the true beauty we possess.. I get told often enough that I'm beautiful.... but I see the things I want to change.. and truth be told with me.. my uglyness is all based on my weight.

I felt my most beautiful when I went to Egypt, and the winter that followed that. I was weighing in at 172lbs. I felt like I was the Bee's Knees.. I felt like the outside me finally matched the fun loving, vibrant girl that was trapped on the inside for so so long.....

Now I'm back around 195lbs.. and I feel trapped once again... I feel trapped by my perception... I have to remember that someone out there looks at me and wishes they were my size...

I met some new people recently through a mutual friend.... and that friend called me up yesterday afternoon to tell me how much her one friend loved me, saying I was a beautiful and funny girl who seemed like someone she could truly be friends with.... I was shocked.. I'm not good at hearing and accepting compliments, but that was one I truly wanted to be able to..

I'm really hoping that in time my perception will change, and I'll see myself for the beautiful woman other's see me as... I think only then, will I be able to start dating again and have a successful relationship, and possibly get ahead at work.

This lack of confidence causes so many other things to happen in one's life.. not just with men and work.. but quite often the way you feel about yourself.. the insecurities and poor self esteem shows on the outside.. and if you're anything like me, you wear your heart on your sleeve, and your emotions on your face.. I'm nothing but an open book...

I'm going to try to start with the positive personal affirmation of myself, and I'm going to try to begin and end the day by saying one good thing that I like about myself.. it sounds Oh So Corny, I know.. but I think it may be something that will help me start to think about myself the way others do...

So today I will leave you with my PPA...

I love the way I laugh..

until next time

xoxo

Thank You Decision Makers!

So I wanted someone else to make the decision for me... and that happened!

Who knew it could be that simple?

My co-worker and his wife helped me out, and signed me up for the program.. so now all I have to do is wait, wait for the product to show up.. and I honestly cannot wait.. I want to see how I behave on the program, how it works for me.. and how my body will change..

I took all of my measurements today... YIKES! Who knew I was basically a box... I pray I see real results with inches lost... I also weighed myself.. and I'm retaining loads of water, because although I realize I haven't behaved myself 100% this week (I'm on holidays..) I know I haven't eaten enough food to cause me to gain 9 pounds! (yes 9 effing pounds!)...

So tomorrow, even though the product won't be here, things are going to change... I'm going to start working out again.. oh my... and eating well... I see a lot of salads and protein in my future.. mmm mmm good!..

I was so nervous about how my girlfriend would react when she learned that I was working with my co-worker and his wife.. originally I told them I wanted to work with her... but financially I wasn't going to be able to do either for a week or so... but I was granted a gift... anyway.. so here I was worried that our friendship would truly suffer.. but she is such a terrific girl... she was so understanding.. and wonderful..

I AM SO BLESSED to have an amazing friend like her in my life.. I feel so so so blessed.. I love her!

Okay well... I think I better head off to bed.. as it's almost 1 am in dear old Canada.. and I want to be up around 7am to go for a run.. I am so excited about the changes that will be coming in my life!

I hope everyone out there in blog land is doing well..

better blogs to follow... this I promise you!

xoxo

Totally Sold!

Okay so I went to an information seminar yesterday about that "product" that will help boost weight loss, and I am 100% sold on it.

However, now I am completely torn.

First off, I went to my co-workers information session, not my girlfriend's. Why? I wanted to be sure I went to one where my heart wasn't involved. If I went to my girlfriend's party, I knew I would feel obligated to sign up. Going to Pat's wife's party, well I thought I'd be removed from emotion.. however she was so excited to have me there, telling me how her husband speaks so highly of me (awwww) and that she knew I'd be so successful using this "product".... the motivation and support will be there... but now.. I'm torn......

Who do I sign up with? Either way, someone is making money off me.... but if I go with Pat's wife, I have a support system constantly at work.. and there are more people from my work that I met last night that would support and motivate me...

Or...

Do I go with my girlfriend. Help her earn a little more money.. but not have the constant support.. Not that she wouldn't support me.. but I don't see her on a daily basis. Her group isn't work based, and her parties would not be conducive with my work schedule.....

Someone is going to get hurt regardless of whom I decide to go with...

I hate the hard decisions.... hate them!

I know I'm going to be successful with this product.. and I know I can get other people on board with it... I'm so excited to start using it... but who who who do I go with????

Anyone want to make this decision for me?

For now, I'm going to take my measurements, and weigh myself.. and see how it goes....

bye for now..

xoxo

What's your number?

Why is it that we are all so focused on our numbers? I'm _ _ _ lbs... I'm 30 years old... I have _ _ _ facebook friends.. get me at 519 - 555 -_ _ _ _ .. my Black berry pin is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ...

Seriously.. when did we go from saying, I'm Me.. and I'm fabulous... to saying I'm a 3 figure weight, a 10 digit phone number and so on...

I know I'm heavy.. I'm not denying that... and tomorrow I'm going to do my best to step on my Wii fit scale and NOT look at the number... and in one week I'll get back on that scale and I'll see how I've done... I need to lose weight.. but I'm not going to let that number define me anymore.

When I went to Egypt I weighed in at a healthy 173 lbs.... and I was soooooo happy. I felt sooooo sexy... but I was so focused on the number that I never let myself enjoy the thin me... now at about 20 pounds heavier, all I can do is focus on the fat.. I remember when I sat down and my stomach didn't bulge out, touching my arms... when my legs weren't rubbing together when I walked... when I didn't feel like my pants were suffocating me... when my chin was a single member..

Although some people tell me that they don't notice I've gained weight, except for my boobs getting bigger (my male friends have made that observation...), I can feel it.. I feel self conscious again, and like I'm a big old blob... (okay okay.. I'm not that old..)

I wake up with all the motivation in the world.. I'll go for a run, or a bike ride, or to the gym today... then a couple hours set in and all I want to do is nap. I used to have an insane drive, a wonderful sense of self worth that made me walk my fat ass into the gym and do my squats, crunches and 60 minutes on various cardio machines.. and now.. well if I walk to and from the fridge, well that's an accomplishment...

Even as I write this I'm thinking of 173.. and possibly 5 more pounds after that to get me into the 160's... oh wouldn't that be marvelous.. but again... that's me focusing on numbers.. I have to get into my head that I want to be healthy... but that isn't it.. I want to be sexy. I want men to look at me and want to get to know me better...

One day I'd love to be a wife and a mother.. for now it's me and my kitty... and my food... hmmm.. I really need to get my priorities in order..

I'm going to do my best to stop focusing on the number and instead focus on the goal me.. thin.. happy.. healthy.... ahhhhh.. maybe, just maybe I'll succeed in this way of thinking..

Tonight is the meeting about that "program" I've talked about previously... I'll see how it is.. and I'll report back if it's working for me..

Until next time.. stop focusing on your number, and instead focus on the goal you!

x0x0

Have a new attitude.. until the licorice comes out..

Found a new weakness.. thought that it was only Chocolate.. but now I have discovered the newer sour twizzlers... and I enjoy them WAY TOO MUCH!

I was doing so well yesterday. I was buying some salsa, because I was thinking of making a baked potato or something for dinner.. and then I turn around and the candy selection was behind me..

well I can buy a bag or two and have a piece every now and then right? I won't eat them all right? I can actually express some kind of will power here right?

WRONG!

I'm lost .. I can't believe that I've eaten BOTH bags in the last 24 hours!

I really need to reign in this hazardous behaviour. I think after my visit tomorrow night, when I learn more about that "product" I spoke of in my last post, I'll be able to really focus on myself.. and on my health.. and on making myself look fierce!

I remember when I went to Egypt.. I felt on top of the world.. the belle of the ball.. so so so beautiful and thin.. I need to remember the way I felt next time I go to grab some goodies... and realize they are really baddies!

Time to start my sunday.. off to buy a wedding gift for someone who is beautiful and has found a man to love her... *le sigh*..

until next time

xoxo

New Direction??

In January (I believe...) a co-worker of mine approached me about trying a new product that his wife had signed up for. It promises great results, whether you want to lose weight, tone, or simply gain energy...

I'm always very wary of these "products" that promise these results by simply taking a pill, or substituting a meal with a shake.. but I looked at the info to humour him.

I was impressed by the testimonials, and the information, but the price of the package I was looking at ($250/month) was just far too much money for me.. Sadly I told him that although I was interested in learning more, at this time it wasn't for me..

Fast forward to July 2011,... One of my best girlfriends started using this exact same product and told me more about it.. still unsure due to the price, I looked it to it yet again.. that very same day, my co-worker said "I think you should rethink using this product..." and was shocked that I had another friend telling me about it..

Now here I am.. in a true dilema.. who do I go with. I know now that I want to use this product, as I am not enjoying the Weight Watchers environment anymore (it's turned into a self help group for the 40 somethings... blarg!!!), but I do know this product works well with the Weight Watchers program...

But who?

My girlfriend who approached me just recently? Someone who I can tell anything to and she never judges me.. always there for a shoulder to cry on, or to laugh with...

Or my co-worker, who I consider a good friend, who I go to with my problems, who I can trust with anything...

I think no matter who I chose to go with I'm going to hurt someone's feelings... grrr...

On top of this dilema, my best friend and I are having a bad time. I messed up and she's now really hurt and upset with me... If only life was as easy as a sitcom.. you have a problem.. but in 22 minutes everything is fixed and we can all laugh about it...

Maybe this just isn't my month.. in the past month I've been rear ended, then I rear ended someone (wtf?), then I got passed up for a promotion, and now my bestfriend and I are not on speaking terms... and to top it all off.. I'm horribly single!!! lol... deep breaths.. and I'll get through it!

Oh well.. I'm going to try to get myself back into BLOG LAND.... I used to love blogging. It was a perfect outlet for when the days got rough, and the food looked tempting...

I weighed myself on Saturday and I came in at a whopping 197.7... oh my freaking goodness!! How have I gained almost 30 pounds back?? I have been focused all week, given up alcohol and worked out 3 times... I'm praying I see results tomorrow when I hop back onto my Wii fit and see what it says...

Okay this was a boring blog.. I apologize.. it will get better! The humour will return, and the light hearted girl you all knew before will be back.... I just have to get back to being me...

I'm praying this new direction will get me there...

until next time..

x0x0