I remember when I weighed 358lbs... I remember looking at girls who weighed somewhere in the 200's and wishing I was them.. thinking how I wanted to be thin like them...
Then I was a girl in her 200's... looking at a girl in the high 100's and still wanted to be thin like them...
Now I'm a girl in the high 100's... and I look at girls in the 170's and I want to be thin like them...
When will I realize I've been every one of those thin sizes, and never been happy?
When I finally hit the 200's I wanted to be in the 100's.. when I hit the 100's .. I wanted to be in the 180's .. then the 170's... and yet I was never happy with the thin person I had begun..
Now I'm back in the 190's... and I feel so fat and ugly..... and yet I need to realize, to someone out there .. I am thin...
I think we have the same perception when it comes to beauty too. I don't think the majority of us really see the true beauty we possess.. I get told often enough that I'm beautiful.... but I see the things I want to change.. and truth be told with me.. my uglyness is all based on my weight.
I felt my most beautiful when I went to Egypt, and the winter that followed that. I was weighing in at 172lbs. I felt like I was the Bee's Knees.. I felt like the outside me finally matched the fun loving, vibrant girl that was trapped on the inside for so so long.....
Now I'm back around 195lbs.. and I feel trapped once again... I feel trapped by my perception... I have to remember that someone out there looks at me and wishes they were my size...
I met some new people recently through a mutual friend.... and that friend called me up yesterday afternoon to tell me how much her one friend loved me, saying I was a beautiful and funny girl who seemed like someone she could truly be friends with.... I was shocked.. I'm not good at hearing and accepting compliments, but that was one I truly wanted to be able to..
I'm really hoping that in time my perception will change, and I'll see myself for the beautiful woman other's see me as... I think only then, will I be able to start dating again and have a successful relationship, and possibly get ahead at work.
This lack of confidence causes so many other things to happen in one's life.. not just with men and work.. but quite often the way you feel about yourself.. the insecurities and poor self esteem shows on the outside.. and if you're anything like me, you wear your heart on your sleeve, and your emotions on your face.. I'm nothing but an open book...
I'm going to try to start with the positive personal affirmation of myself, and I'm going to try to begin and end the day by saying one good thing that I like about myself.. it sounds Oh So Corny, I know.. but I think it may be something that will help me start to think about myself the way others do...
So today I will leave you with my PPA...
I love the way I laugh..
until next time
xoxo
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