Seriously.. when did we go from saying, I'm Me.. and I'm fabulous... to saying I'm a 3 figure weight, a 10 digit phone number and so on...
I know I'm heavy.. I'm not denying that... and tomorrow I'm going to do my best to step on my Wii fit scale and NOT look at the number... and in one week I'll get back on that scale and I'll see how I've done... I need to lose weight.. but I'm not going to let that number define me anymore.
When I went to Egypt I weighed in at a healthy 173 lbs.... and I was soooooo happy. I felt sooooo sexy... but I was so focused on the number that I never let myself enjoy the thin me... now at about 20 pounds heavier, all I can do is focus on the fat.. I remember when I sat down and my stomach didn't bulge out, touching my arms... when my legs weren't rubbing together when I walked... when I didn't feel like my pants were suffocating me... when my chin was a single member..
Although some people tell me that they don't notice I've gained weight, except for my boobs getting bigger (my male friends have made that observation...), I can feel it.. I feel self conscious again, and like I'm a big old blob... (okay okay.. I'm not that old..)
I wake up with all the motivation in the world.. I'll go for a run, or a bike ride, or to the gym today... then a couple hours set in and all I want to do is nap. I used to have an insane drive, a wonderful sense of self worth that made me walk my fat ass into the gym and do my squats, crunches and 60 minutes on various cardio machines.. and now.. well if I walk to and from the fridge, well that's an accomplishment...
Even as I write this I'm thinking of 173.. and possibly 5 more pounds after that to get me into the 160's... oh wouldn't that be marvelous.. but again... that's me focusing on numbers.. I have to get into my head that I want to be healthy... but that isn't it.. I want to be sexy. I want men to look at me and want to get to know me better...
One day I'd love to be a wife and a mother.. for now it's me and my kitty... and my food... hmmm.. I really need to get my priorities in order..
I'm going to do my best to stop focusing on the number and instead focus on the goal me.. thin.. happy.. healthy.... ahhhhh.. maybe, just maybe I'll succeed in this way of thinking..
Tonight is the meeting about that "program" I've talked about previously... I'll see how it is.. and I'll report back if it's working for me..
Until next time.. stop focusing on your number, and instead focus on the goal you!
x0x0
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