I think... I think... I don't wanna jinx it..

I may have found the right eating plan for me.. I've lost 11.6 pounds in 8 days.. Um.. OMG?? It's wild.. I'm never hungry.. I eat healthy food, I can go out if I want.. and I can have a 4 oz glass of red wine daily if I choose!

Now here is the thing.. I'm so scared of acknowledging this small success.. I don't want to fail again.. do I tell my family and friends? Or do I keep my mouth shut until they notice?


Do I tell everyone and worry that they may sabotage me ?  Or Judge me if I go off track?


I just want to succeed... can I ?

12 Weeks!

Well it was 12 weeks this past Tuesday until  Christmas! My most favourite time of the year.. Usually around now I'm all excited, realizing I get to soon decorate and put up my tree, watch my favourite movies, and buy presents for those I love.. but I'm actually really dreading the holiday season..

I don't want to admit that I've let another year pass me by.. and I've done nothing to change my health, except let it get worse.. I've gained so much weight in the last year.. it's upsetting.. this time last year I was just at 200 pounds, and I felt like such a failure.. now I'm creeping up on 240.. failure has nothing on me! I have done more than just fail...

So how.. how do I take all of the moments of motivation, and put them into action.. when all I can think about it eating something yummy?

Is anyone else out there feeling this way too?

I feel like Weight Watchers is probably my best bet.. but then I'd actually have to follow it completely.. oh gosh.. I'm a tool..

I need to get my head into this game again.. after all it's12 weeks to christmas (well 82 days.. ) and my Winter Jacket doesn't even come close to fitting me!

Yikes..

Off I go..

xoxo

Surrounded ...

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.. not just one but several..

You all know about my battle of the bulge, but there are a couple more I don't mention.. the one that I feel like I'm fighting right now is the battle at work.. 

I'm the only girl.. surrounded by men.. and I'm in a place of authority.. My boss seems to understand how to treat people.. but he has no compassion for me whatsoever... He is hard on me, and chooses to put me on probation, when I had to miss work due to a car accident.. I don't understand him.. 

I'm not used to people not liking me.. so this is confusing.. what do I do to rectify this?

I've been fairly proud of myself since I have yet to cry over this situation.. but in reality I'm devastated.. I'm trying to get a promotion.. and this probation means I won't be able to be promoted for at least a year!

Plus.. here I am right now feeling like crap.. and I know I don't have the option to go home... I hate feeling like a prisoner at my job... 

It's much like being a prisoner in your body.. 

You know the environment.. you just cannot get comfortable.. for fear of what could happen.. 

Gosh... when will things start to look up for me? 

The most comical part about this "probation" is today I had to read the "Ethics Policy" refresher, and it touches on people swearing in everyday talk, harassment, and being left out.. all things my boss is guilty of.. but hey.. as long as he gives me probation for my absence due to a car acci8dent.. all is right with the world.. 

Man I'm bitter!!!!!! 

xoxo

Facts Of Life...

So after my so called "Wake Up Call" I had a long talk with my guy. I told him yet again, how miserable I am in my own skin. How I am so sad that I look the way I do, and I must do something to change it.. 


The dilemma I face is when I'm with him at his house.. see he doesn't like Veggies.. So our meals mainly consist of carbs and protein.. This is why I always end up with a little gain after every weekend there.. 
So I told him we need to start carrying veg so I am able to stick to my Weight Watchers plan.. and feel full longer with the fiber of the veg.. 


He seems on board.. saying he wouldn't mind being on Weight Watchers too, to possibly lose 10-15 pounds himself.. So... I'm hoping he does join.. this way I'm not alone in my plight.. 


Years ago, when I was so successful, it's because I was actively doing the Points plan with a good girl friend. Something about the continued accountability helped me stick to it.. I think it was the competition factor.. I'm a very competitive person.. and I enjoyed seeing who lost more each week.. 


Where has this passion and competitiveness gone???? I had a marvelous day yesterday, and I stepped on the scale today, and it says I've gained.... I need to pack that damn scale up and ignore the numbers until a week has gone by... 


Okay... I know these blogs are boring right now.. I apologize.. it's just hard to be upbeat and funny when it feels like my weight is truly weighing deeply on me.. 


take care. 

xoxo

My Wake Up Call..

We all have those moments.. you see yourself through someone elses eyes.. and you don't like what you see..


This  past week my boyfriend and I took a drive to a furniture store that was 3 hours away from his house. On the way back he surprised me and took me to Niagara falls for dinner. Before we ate we decided to get a closer look at the falls, as it had been at least 10 years since either one of us had gone there.. as we were looking at the magnificent natural wonder, I decided we needed to take a picture of us in front of the falls... after I took 2 fairly decent pictures a passerby asked me if he could take a picture or two for us.. once he had finished I thanked him, and instantly checked out our pics.. and sadly I was HORRIFIED by what I saw.. 


Who was this FAT girl next to my boyfriend? She has my face, but there was NO WAY that could be me... could it??


I knew I had gained a lot of weight.. but I just couldn't get over how awful I looked in the pic... 


Is this finally the wake up call I need? 


Or am I broken record that will repeat this statement and keep starting my diet tomorrow??? 


xoxo

Quit Your "Wine-ing"....

"Who Loves Not Wine, Woman And Song, Remains A Fool His Whole Life Long"    


Martin Luther

Oh the perils of loving wine, and trying to lose weight... it's truly a harder battle than I imagined it to be... I have a very addictive personality. When I find something I love, I tend to enjoy it A LOT.. not to the point of being an alcoholic, but I will have a glass or two every day.. and that turns into a bottle every 3 days or so.. and that's a lot of empty calories.. so now it's turned into a problem for me.. I've got the food figured out... and I'm doing quite well with it.. I've talked to my boyfriend and explained how I need to get serious about losing weight, and he's very supportive! (But not over bearing and rude.. he loves me how I am.. but I'm sure he'd love a hot girlfriend more!)... I found yesterday I was just nibbling all day long... so when I went out with a buddy for dinner I had a garden salad and then a side of carrots, celery and tobasco sauce... but then came home to paint my ensuite bathroom, and I had a couple glasses of wine... now I am regretting it all.. why do I try so hard with the food, only to ruin it with the wine after that... 

So here is my personal goal.. I am NOT going to have any alcohol during the week.. and I will enjoy my wine on the weekends only! 

This I know I can do.. but I will for sure keep you updated.. 

Anyway.. that's all I really have to say today.. Take care blogger friends.. 

xoxo

Karmas a Boomerang...

My brother says Karma is a boomerang all the time... basically saying what you put out into the universe you will in turn get it back ... may not be today... may not be tomorrow.. but eventually... 


I'm a firm believer in this.. I know that by being kind and friendly to my starbucks baristas I have in turn acquired a free beverage or two over time.. at my local Tim's I have gotten many free coffees and cookies (oopsy) .. my wine store knows me and sells me wine at their discount, my grocery store often opens up a closed register when I'm in line and call me over personally... 


Why? Because I am taking an interest in the people who work there... an actual interest .. showing them kindness when the majority of people treat them like crap.. 


In turn though when people do something nasty it will come back to bite them in the butt.. Sadly today I had to put in a complaint about one of the girls that works at my hair salon. I usually get my hair done every 3 months.. and it's not cheap... but after hearing that one of the girls there has been saying nasty things about me, I have been avoiding the salon (for 6 months!), and I have not been recommending it to others when they ask me where they should go... Finally today I took a good look at my hair and realized I either had to poop or get off the pot... so the decision had to be either find a new salon, or go back to the salon.. So I decided to go back.. then the next decision had to be do I ignore the situation, or put in a complaint.. and so when I called to book the appointment the owner answered.. since I've been going there for 5 years he knows me quite well.. and so I complained.. and I know he's going to speak to her, and she won't be happy.. but she got what she deserved...


It pains me to complain and get someone in trouble.. but sometimes it's necessary for the person in the wrong .. it helps them learn how we need to behave .. should behave.. 


It doesn't take much to smile when in line for coffee, to ask your cashier how she is, to say thank you and please.. 


It could be the thing that makes someone's day a lot brighter.. 


Just sayin'

xoxo

I have a rumbly in my tumbly...

Ahh good old Winnie the Pooh.. he sure knew how to enjoy the sweeter things in life.. 


So I have no idea what I want to say today.. 


We have a great used DVD shop in Ontario... and I frequently visit their store and find some rare treasures. A couple months ago I picked up a series called "Huge".. now some of you may have seen it when it was on the telly, but I don't believe I have the channel that carried it. 


It's about a group of kids at fat camp.. and even though they are all supposed to be around the age of 17 (I assume...) I can totally identify with what these kids are feeling.. 


Feelings of no self worth, anxiety about being weighed, disappointing their loved ones, never being good enough to be loved... all the body issues.. 


Then even the ones that seem somewhat satisfied with their bodies are still wishing for some changes, like if only the fat in my thighs would migrate to my boobs, or hips, or butt.. 


Sadly since I put back on a lot of weight I'm now built like a beer keg... forget the 6 pack.. I'd like to get to a 24! 


I know I'm not the biggest girl out there, but I feel that way.. I feel like I'm not sexy, not pretty, that I'm dull and the only thing that makes me stand out is my fat... 


BUT.. saying this... I know it's not true.. 


I had a moment last weekend... My boyfriend's sister in law was doing a treatment on my back (I recently had a car accident, and she's a physiotherapist) and she and I started to chat about the family... and she told me she was so happy I've entered the group.. telling me I'm funny, I have a great smile, I laugh a lot, and am very pretty... she loves how I dress... my stories.. 


I couldn't help but get a little choked up.. this girl who has no real reason to say such things to me.. and she lifted me up.. sometimes we need these people in our lives.. 


Two weeks ago I woke up to a message on facebook from a dear friend of mine, Rachel. Rachel and I have a funny history to our friendship. I went to Cuba to be a bridesmaid in a horrific wedding fiasco.. and Rach and her husband were at the same resort.. we seemed to just randomly realize that we were kindred spirits, and we've been ever so close since then.. that was 2010... Anyway so 2 weeks ago she sent me an uplifting message.. again telling me how great I am.. for no reason at all.. and I will cherish her words forever.. but remembering them in times of despair will be the hard part... that is always the hard part.. isn't it? 


I think we all tend to gravitate to the Eeyore feelings in life "oh no.. nobody likes me.. I'll never be good enough.. so I'll just wag my tail and wait for another day to pass me by...".. and that's an easy place to fall into ... however we need to stop.. look around, and realize that when we have self doubt about how wonderful we truly are, we are doubting the people who love and care for us, for they've chosen to be in our lives for a reason!


I don't feel like it's a huge epiphany to come to these conclusions.. but I think it was definitely something I needed to realize.. 


I hope that you realize that the people in your life, your friends, your loved ones, they are there for a reason.. there are tons of people in this world.. but they chose you.. sure your family has to acknowledge you, but we all know you can cut them out of your life if you really don't like them *thank God I don't have that issue!*... so if you start to have self doubt today.. take a minute and think about why others choose to be your friend! It's quite an eye opener.. 


Anyway.. I'm going to go have some breaky... so until next time.. 


xoxo

Oops I did it again...

Well I had a fairly good weekend, but the choices I made were surely not the best. I had a sushi feast with my brother on Friday night, followed by a couple glasses of wine... then Saturday I had a good healthy breakfast, and a nice dinner with my boyfriend's family... again had a couple glasses of wine.. no lunch though.. I don't know.. did I plan it that way so I could over indulge a bit?
Yesterday was father's day with my family. So my BF and I had crepes and strawberries with real maple syrup.. so yummy.. then we had cheese and crackers at my parent's place... then a lasagna and garlic bread meal...

I feel like I had a less indulgent weekend than most.. but I feel HUGE right now.

I'm still at my BF's house, but when I get home tomorrow I will weigh myself and see how I truly did do.

It feels like we're on a roller coaster.. we have our ups and our downs.. and we feel totally fearful, and then wildly exhilarated .... and it repeats..

I'm looking forward to finally getting back to the high moment.. where I'm excited for where life will be taking me..

I need to lose weight so badly... but I need to change my mind set from "when I lose weight" to "I am losing this weight NOW"..

How do I do that?

xoxo

Stuck In A Moment....

Wow... I can't believe I'm back here again.. back in the high 230's.. how on earth did I let this happen.. I mean HOW? 


I was off work for 5 months.. and I know that I can attribute 20lbs to that horrible time.. it was stress leave, and so between the self medicating, and the actual medication I know that I gained that then.. 


Now I sit here in my bed room.. looking at a closet full of clothes I cannot wear.... looking at a body that I am so uncomfortable in all I want to do is cry.. 


What do I do? 


Weight watchers again??... still??? Yikes... or do I do the drastic Body By Vi? I have enough of that for a 90 day challenge.. but I just didn't do well on it last time.. oh yikes... 


I'm scared.. this downward spiral isn't healthy... where will I be in a year? A year ago I was 40 pounds lighter... 40 freaking pounds! I can't keep going like this... 


The one truly bright light in my life is I have a loving boyfriend, who although he met me at my lightest, still thinks I'm beautiful now.. God bless him!


I keep trying to figure out where I was 3 years ago that aided me in my weightloss and I remembered the accountability I felt by blogging.. 


I will do my best to get back on here weekly... if not more frequently.. 


Who knows.. perhaps this time I'll lose it all again and it's gonna last.... I pray to God that I can... 


For now I'm going to go down stairs.. and fret over what to eat... food... or shake? 


Until next time... 

xoxo